Sunday, December 5, 2010

it's about time....

Gosh...every night i lay in bed and think I need to be blogging about my days!!! but I never do. I am going to try to at least blog about the important things....
like how my mooshy and meg are growing up so fast.
I know if I don't start writing things down I will forget.
Like Erika and all her cute words....
"I know Nat Megan!!!" (I know that)
"Mommy, I WUV you!"
"Wook!" (see the trend? she can't say her "L's" or "R's")
"Toefy" (that is actually "toy story 3". it's a blended word she created lol)
"dats DE-Wiss-shus!!" (delicious)

she says hilarious random things the other day we were talking about someone and she said "yeah, he wike Santa- Santa Tiny bit Scare-wy":) lol....

Megan has her own share of funny things these days.....
she watching toy story 3 and when they put Buzz in a time out I hear her blurt out in a very ticked off voice "Oh sure!, just because he's a FAMILY MAN, you put him in the time out chair!!"
when I looked at her and said "megan you are SO funny!" she says "yeah? are you gonna put that on Facebook? lol"

Erika has been asking if she can check her email too...oh starts. ha ha.

I just love my girls so much. I have been working so much and been so busy training these girls for next year among other things that my time with them has been limited. I hATE IT! we've had a lot of tears and stress around here. I can't wait til things calm down. I am making changes to ensure I have more down time next year:):)

Last night I took Megan to the movie "tangled" and it was so awesome! I loved having her on my knee and eating treats together! we even danced in the hallway to the fun music after!! I just love her so much!!
anyway...thats all I can think of now!
I mostly just want to be able to read back on this later!!!

STEVE HACKS THE BLOG: Some recent pictures to go along with this.

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Erika Brooke Wagner 3yrs old!!!!!!!!!!!!

I know I have been a crappy blogger for ...well, most of the year! but I had to find 5min to write something about my little mooshy!!

Erika will be 3yrs old tomorrow. I can hardly believe feels like it's been FIVE years! ha ha...i'm just kidding....
I wanted to write a few things that I think of when I think of the last year of her life:

*She started talking....FINALLY! we were getting really worried....
since then we've enjoyed some fabulous phrases like:

" fill in the blank". ...
Me like it! Me no like it! me no want to!, me happy!, me cranky! , me tired! me sad!, me miss papa, me want to go park! often as we correct is always "me".....
this last week she has started to use "I" a few times....very exciting!

She has started to become alot more interactive with children....her and Megan can actually play make believe a lot more b/c she can use words and talk!

Something else that has become a very consistent "Erika-ism" that she WILL NOT listen when we ask her to get dressed or put her shoes on...she has been left inside while we get into the car on multiple occasions.....sadly she hasn't learned from the consequences:) (what are we doing wrong?!).

She finally adjusted to Nursery and really loves it! they even say she is good at sharing in there....wish i could say the same for at home;)

She has also become a very compassionate kid (most of the time)...she loves to help out by getting us things we need and offering to help.

Sleep this year.....hmm....I discovered that she HAS TO nap or we get nights of insomnia..not fun with a 2yr old

she got her first REAL bike!!! with training wheels and is really good at riding it.
Every day after school, Megan, AJ and Erika play on their bikes has been one of the happiest things I've seen all year! it reminds me of when I was little and would ride bikes with my sister and friends everyday.

Erika is a true joy to our lives and also a true test of our patience. I could not imagine life without her....I asked Lacey today:
"Why do we have children like this??!!! ( i was frustrated as she was screaming at bedtime again)
and Lacey replied:
"Because WE Were children like this!"
well put, Lace. lol

Erika Brooke...we love you! you add so much spice to this family! I can't wait to see you grow up!

Here are some pictures of the last year of her life!

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

Teach the little Children

It has been on my mind alot lately.....My children. I keep feeling an urgency about teaching them the gospel in the home. It is great that they learn at church but they need to be doing most of their learing in the HOME.
I have been reading some great talks from our recent conference by the 12 Apostles and our beloved Prophet. It has just been weighing heavily upon my mind.
I even brought it up to Steve 2 nights ago b/c I feel a bit lost.

I feel like we're in a bit of a weird circumstance.
I didn't grow up in the church.
Steve didn't grow up in the church.
Niether of us has ANY family in the church or any point of reference when it comes to children being raised in the church. I have no mom, dad or inlaws I can call to ask my questions to about family home evening ideas etc. It is very discouraging some times.
I love the Gospel and I have a huge testimony of it, but I'm not very good at knowing how to teach it to my children on their level.

I thought about writing this post to ask my LDS/Christian friends to share some of their experiences from growing up that they think impacted them in learning the gospel and gaining strength in the home. Perhaps things your parents did RIGHT that has helped you in your life in regards to spirituality. SO.....Please share!

**I had to share an experience though that I just had at the church bookstore .

We went b/c Steve needed to get some things and the girls always love to sit in the comfy chairs and read the childrens books. Anyway...when we first walked into the bookstore today, Megan and Erika ran to the chairs. Erika walked over and picked up a book and held it tight under her arm. I knew it wasn't a kids book b/c it was soft paper back. I paid no attention and walked to the back of the store. they sat for a minute then got up and followed me. I noticed she still had the book tightly under her arm,
"can I see?" I asked
"no, mine" she said gently. she seemed to be very protective of this book, which I thought was funny.

we kept walking around and found some nice kids books for them to look at . When we sat down, I asked again if I could see what the book was, she reluctantly let me look at it......

the book was: "Arming your Children with the Gospel"-"creating opportunities for spiritual experiences"
I was about to place it back on the shelf when I felt a gentle prompting to buy the book and that it wasn't an accident she picked it up. There were no other books like it on the shelf where she grabbed it from, it was the only one I could find. must have been left there in the wrong place by "accident" :).
you can call it a coincidence. I choose to call it an answer to my prayer last night when I asked the Lord for help and where to go and how to know how to start better teaching the gospel regularily to my children.
I love our Heavenly Father and in moments like this I am reminded that he Loves ME!:)

I've already started reading it and so far it's just what I need!!

Friday, June 4, 2010

Oh Lacey....

This is my good friend Lacey. She's always up for a little fun....I am doing some new before/After shots for my website and she is one of the beautiful ladies I have chosen to feature. Of course when I ask her to stand there and smile pretty...she gets the "silly's":) I had to post these b/c they are just funny....and note the Cat Pose below...and see if you can find one very similar of her Brother on Steve's blog a few months ago lol.
You'll all have to wait for the real before/afters to get up on my website in the next few weeks.
thanks Lace, you're a great sport!!! (and super photo-genic!) xoxoxo

wouldn't this make an awesome "After" shot? ! LOL

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

You can do better than you think!

I know....I am a blogging machine lately. I just figured I should write down my thoughts more often. not sure if anyone reads them but there is something therapeutic about writing.

Today I got up and it was SO hard to motivate myself. I haven't run since my 5K race on Saturday...I've just been lazy and'd think doing so well and being so happy with my results would get me up and excited to push further and do better....but no.

Anyway...I FINALLY got out today. It was BEAUTIFUL! strong wind...but not cold, it was amazing.

I only ran 4 miles but ran each mile progressively faster. While I was running I was thinking to myself

"why could I run so fast on Saturday?" faster than I've EVER run and when I'm out here doing this, I tell myself

"it hurts too much, I can't go any faster, I can’t go any further"

but it's all lies. do you ever think about that? why do we lie to ourselves? Why do we tell ourselves “I can’t” before we even try?

When I was running saturday I came to a hill and at the top of the hill I stopped for a second b/c I was so out of breath, Tanja started yelling at me and so I got moving again…but in hindsight I think man, I could have been closer to 21:00 had I not stopped. but I sabotaged myself by telling myself I couldn’t go any further unless I stopped for a sec. Again, it was just a lie. I could have! I would not have died.

My guess is that most of us have never pushed ourselves hard enough to even see what our best is. Personally, I’m sort of afraid to push myself that hard. It makes me feel vulnerable.

Tanja, my friend who ran with me to push me through the race, emailed me this morning and said In reference to my time on Saturday:

" You did really great! Do you know what that means? It means you can do better than you think!”

It just really got me thinking. I have to push myself harder and dig deeper if I want to achieve the goals I have set for myself! I can’t settle for doing “good”, I need to do and be MY BEST! My very very very BEST! I am stronger than I think and I need to stop limiting myself because I don’t feel like I deserve to be the best or the fastest.

Running has been an exploration of self for me. It’s helping me to see what I’m made of, not just physically but MENTALLY!.

I am on a journey! I am going to get under 20minutes for a 5K.

hold me to it:)

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

May 18, 2010

today was a MUCH better day. I woke up with the resolve to have a better day than yesterday. Yesterday I was depressed and just blah all day! luckily I have Steve home now so he entertained Erika and Megan went to Jennas to play. I sat around on my butt:):) but by the end of the day I started to read my scriptures and that always helps me!!

Today I actually did my circuit training, found 2 swimsuits for cheap at old navy($10each!!) and visited with friends.
I am a lucky girl. Life is good. thing that sucked though...My car has a flat tire! not sure what happened over night but it is FLAT and won't even hold more than 8psi:(:( so that's a bummer...don't really want to fork out $100 for a new stinkin' tire right now! I wanted to take the girls to the safari thing in BAndon...but with Steve not working right now I have to monitor our finances a lot better so we'll see about that. Might have to put it off for a while:(

thank goodness the Lord continues to bless us!!
I love Him. every day I recognize his hand in my life, his great mercy for this little Wagner family.
well, that's all for today...need to clean my house and still get up early to run tomorrow!

nighty night!

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Sunday May 16th

I started writing in my journal again last week after my Young Womens lesson I gave on...Journalling nonetheless. I usually write sporatically....every month or so...or when something great or terrible happens and I feel I need to document it. But today I was thinking I should blog more. more about important stuff and not just lame-o things like I sometimes do.

Lately, I've got to thinking alot. Alot about the kind of person I want to be, the kind of friend I want to be, Wife, mother, all that.

I have been making a concerted effort to stay off the computer more and just "hang out" with my kids more. Most people dont' know that about me but that is REALLY hard for me! I am a go-go-go type of person....and it's really challenging for me to just sit and play. I always feel like I need to be emailing a bride back, folding laundry, cleaning the kitchen, calling a friend...I guess I have that disease..whatever it's called..keep yourself busy even if it's not productive or important.
I've NEVER been the girl who needs her "alone time" ....well except for once ina while away from the kids but even then I like to have a friend with me. I'm not the one who loves to be alone. I always have been a bit co-dependant. I'm mostly over the real dysfunctional part of that and now I just like having company more than anything.

Anyway, I realize that I want my girls to remember their mom growing up as the one who wasn't always "too busy". I want to be there when they need me and it's been nice.

This morning Erika woke me up at 6:22am....not really my idea of a "good morning"..when i walked her back to her room, she was very whiny and I was afraid she would wake I just jumped into bed with her...not something I would normally do, but it was nice. I love that she has twin bed now and I can fit comfortably in there with her. She nuzzled her warm little face upto mine and for that moment, though exhausted, I was in heaven.
I woke up an hour later to Megan lying on top of me and Erika lying beside me. we said our morning prayers, had a bath and got ready for church.

There is always such a peace in the mornings...if you don't chase it away. Steve stayed in bed b/c he has a cold and the girls and I went to church alone..but they were so very well behaved. I felt grateful.

Erika is talking alot the last few days and I see her growing up before my eyes. Maybe I'm just too emotional but it makes me sad. I dont' want her to grow up. I already feel sad thinking about the fact that we can never go back in time and hold them as little babies again....part of me sometimes secretly tells myself that in heaven, Heavenly Father will let us hold our babies again one more time just because. Who's to say I'm wrong? ya never know right? it gives me comfort to think of the possibility.
Erika is also VERY clingy lately. I can't tell you how many times a day she says "mama, I want you".....something Megan also says alot. lol...she can be sitting right in my lap and she will still repeat it over and over. I remember as a child, I was the same. i could never seem to get enough of my mom. I wanted to be with her ALL THE TIME. I pretty much begged to sleep with her every night til I was 12yrs old. I guess my girls got that from me. I could have bigger problems than kids who love me too much:) but I feel bad b/c I remember that nothing seemed to fill that longing I had and I hope they don't feel that way too.

Anyway...I'm having a sort of sad empty feeling tonight...not sure why...probably b/c I didn't do the 2 things I told myself I was going to do tonight..procrastinator. ugh.
There's always tomorrow..not that that is a good excuse AT ALL..but still. for now it will have to do.

OH...and I ran my first 5K was amazing. maybe I'll blog about that later this week.
for now, I have some scriptures to read before bed.
over and out kids.


Thursday, May 13, 2010

which dress? Steve and I won an anniversary shoot...which I'm SO super excited about. we never had a photographer at our wedding and so we really don't have too many great pics of us:( it has been a sad spot for me for I chopped 14" off my hair right before I got engaged so I have short hair in my wedding pics:( I've never had an up-do even:(....SO...this is my chance to get nice beautiful formal pics of Steve and I.

We plan to do the shoot downtown in June. I'm thinking I want something very fun, high fashion..big messy up-do etc.'s very hard to find a dress with cap sleeves but these are the ones I found in my size from

I will put them in order of my favorite and if you could indicate by number which one you think is best (and why) I would really appreciate your opinion...I am having such a hard time picking!!!
p.s Steve will be in a suit (or at least shirt and tie, dress pants).

here we go: and try to imagine ME in the dress lol...some of these models have very diff coloring than me. I did try one on recently just like the last one and it was actually very cute on.
thanks for your help!!!

#1-Maggie london

#2 -Suzi Chin B/W


#4-Suzi Chin White

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

The Birthday Boy!

I am so usual.
I had to post today though because today is my sweet husband Birthday:)
34 yrs ago today, Stephen Craig Wagner was born....and boy am I glad!
This last year has been fabulous...but especially the last 6 months.....
I can honestly say that He is the perfect man for me. I am so grateful for his mother who raised him to be such an incredible dynamic person and I'm so grateful he joined the church so I could meet him and marry his cute face!

A few of MY favorite things about this wonderful man:

1. His brain. I really am attracted to it:) He is wonderfully smart in so many departments.
I can say without hestiation that there is nothing he can't do. For 7yrs he has amazed me over and over. he can fix anything, build anything, solve any name it, he can probably do it.

2. His abilities as a father. Is it strange that as a mother I have learned more about smart parenting from HIM than any other person or the numerous books I've read? He is a parenting genious. He always gently corrects me when I seem to be letting things slide. He is a master teacher with our children. I try to remember the things I see him say and do so I can apply them...I'm not very good at it but hopefully someday I will come by it as naturally as he does.

3. His kindness. Yes my husband can be a little blunt and a little insensitive sometimes..he is a man afterall. But he also has a wonderfully sensitive side. He never fails to compliment me,tell me I look cute, tell me all the things he admires about me, thank me for everything I do for him and the girls. He makes me feel so good about what and who I'm trying to become. He is also good about giving me constructive criticism and tell me when he thinks I'm not living up to my potential as a mother or friend. As much as I hate hearing it at the time, he really has helped me become better.

4. His beautiful eyes. enough said. I just have ALWAYS loved looking into this eyes. they twinkle. especially when he's happy they twinkle and sometimes when he looks at me, I can just see the love and it is my favorite look in the whole world. Those moments are my favorite.

5. His sense of humour. For those of you who know myhusband, he is funny. he's always good for a laugh and I love that he makes my mom and dad laugh so much. overall, he's just FUN!

6. last but not least, I could go on and on..... but I LOVE that he has started running with me:) he's really good and I love it! he just ran his first half marathon with me in April....when he smacked my butt while running past me at mile 8, I couldn't help but smile...rather than feel mad he was about to kick my butt, I felt proud. I knew he'd be a great runner if he just got started.
So that's it for now.

Stephen Craig Wagner, I love you. I thank God often that I found you and that you have loved me these last 7 plus years. I meant it tonight when I said, You are the most amazing man I've ever known. I still can't believe you're mine.

Love you forever;) xo

Saturday, April 17, 2010

The Book of Mormon...

So, it has been 5 mo's now that I have kept my promise to the Lord that I would read the scriptures every day no matter what. I had gotten into quite a rut, getting so busy that I was just not making time for it. I got fed up with myself because I have always had a testimony of the Scriptures and especially of the Power of the Book of Mormon in my life. When I read it, I feel closer to Jesus Christ and I feel a peace in my life that I cannot get any other way than by reading the scriptures (and living the gospel of course).

I have more personal revelation in my life and I am definitely more able to be the kind of Mother and Wife I want to be. I feel that I am blessed with more patience with my children and am better able to handle the stresses ( and there have been A LOT lately!) that come into our lives. I feel closer to my husband, and closer to my Heavenly Father. I just dont' think there is anyone out there that could not benefit from reading it.

Anyway...I have been feeling especially grateful for it lately and know that I need to share my testimony of it more often.
So, here it goes.
I DO KNOW that The Book of Mormon is True. That it is the Word of God, as is the Bible. I know that it brings those who read it closer to Jesus Christ.

I found this video on today and just LOVED it! this is Elder Jeffrey R.Holland, he is one of the 12 apostles and his testimony is powerful. I completely and whole heartedly stand by and testify of everything he says here. check it out, it's only 4 min long. the last minute is important so watch it all the way through.

I love you all my friends:)

Friday, April 16, 2010

Race for the Roses Half Marathon...

Hello, I'm back:)

So thuoght I should update on my progress
So...after the Vernonia race didn't turn out to be so ideal I quicky went searching for another.
I found Race for the Roses but it was only 8days after the Vernonia.
I rested up good that week to make sure My legs and knee would be (hopefully) recovered.
I only got a total of 5 miles ran that week b/c I needed to it was a bit risky but I felt okay about it.
The race was at 7am so I had to be up at 5 to eat and leave by 6am. It felt strange going to a race completely alone but when I put my mind to something, I just have to do it:)
this race was completely opposite from the had over 5,000 people in it between the 3 races: Half marathon, 10K and 5K.
The race starts out going up a small hill toward the Broadway bridge, over the bridge and down Naito until you head up hill for a mile and half to Barbur...I knew this would be a is hard to push your self that hard for 1.5 miles to try to keep at your target pace (mine was a 8min mile page target). I have not trained for hills at all and now I regret it. I will be doing that next time:)
anyway...I was SO dead by the time i got to the top of it that I couldn't even enjoy the slight down hill that followed. The next 5 miles is through down town a series of ups and downs as you slowly climb to the NW.
Up until 11 miles I was still on track to hit my 8mile pace but I would have LIKED to have been 2 min more ahead (dang hill!) b/c I knew i would have to account for the fact that miles 11-13 would be slower than an 8 min pace. I was right and when I hit a huge hill at mile 12.6 I wanted to DIE! My legs just couldn't move any faster and trying to climb a steep hill seemed overwhelming...about 3/4's of the way up it, I walked for a bout 10 sec when I told myself to just keep moving!!!
I pushed through it, PAINFULLY and was able to finish the race at 1:46:41.

Had I been TWO MINUTES FASTER I would have hit my 8min pace goal:( Oh well...I feel good about it considering I had just run a half marathon the week before.

My overall pace was 8:08 per mile.

I placed 100th out of the total 1,472 women that ran the Half marathon
and I placed 26th out of the 264 women in my age group (30-34).
SO....In some ways I did reach my goal, b/c my other goal is to place in the top 10% so in both these cases I made that:)

I am starting training AGAIN this Monday and this time plan to step it up with a lot of strength training so hopefully I can hit or BEAT the 1:44:30 goal I have. I've learned from all this that it takes MORE than just running to get faster. I need to strenthen my core and my legs and my that's what I plan to do:)

stay tuned:)

here's some pics of me coming to the finish line.....

Feeling SO exhaused!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sunday, April 4, 2010

Vernonia Half marathon...

Wow. Where do I start? To say I am disappointed would be accurate, but to say that it was pure comical craziness and yes I am still glad I did it would also be accurate. I followed through with a committment and goal and that feels great.

It wasn't until this week that we started to think it was going to rain on the race, possibly very hard. I adjusted to that. no problem. It's just rain. As the day approached, we realized we might be running into hard winds. Okay...a bit more challenging, but we're still going to do it.

then Friday night the forecast shows a winter weather warning. 3-5" of snow overnight. WHAT? I didnt' know that Vernonia is 2000ft above sea level. didn't know any of these things.

When we started heading up there saturday morning, I was still very optimistic that this was going to be a GREAT race! we got into Vernonia and were following the trail, I could see that it was covered in 2" of slush. Slush is slippery I thought and I know how paranoid I am running on anything like that, I don't want to break a leg!...the conditions got worse and I started to face the reality that this was not going to be the race I could set my personal best record on. That was the disappointing part for me. I had prepared myself physically and mentally for a race where I could run my heart out, a city race. Not an array of obstacles through the mountains:(:(

We finally all agreed (me, steve, Lee and Val) that we would just have fun and try to finish this course!

We bundled up REALLY warm, b/c it was 32 degrees(yes, that's freezing). The first 2miles was an out and back along a CLEAR paved pathway. flat. Perfect!! This might not be so bad I thought, lol.

As soon as you pass mile 2, you head up hill..... FOR 6 MILES over slushy paths. My knee was really starting to hurt around mile 6 which was a bit worrysome b/c I have NEVER had knee trouble in my 4mo's of training. I can only attribute it to the steady up hill climb the whole way.

Anyway, back to the race....So.. THEN (sorry, i'm actually laughing to myself when thinking back on it) at mile 8 you hit the TRAIL!....yes for the next 5.1 miles it is still up hill and a mix of deep MUDD, Gravel, SNOW, and in some places completely washed out so at one point around mile 11, I had no choice but to step into 6-8" deep water. I'm not sure how deep it was exactly but it was ankle deep filling both shoes with water:) .

The whole race I kept thinking to myself "When is it going to flatten out??!! When will it go back down hill???". At Mile 10 there is a 100ft straight down drop....but only to find a much longer steeper up hill again for the rest of the way. Poor Val fell down the hill it was so slippery and gross. when you finally hit what you think is the end, then send you up another steep incline for the last probably 500 yards. alot of people walked it, I tried to run it but I think my running at a steep incline was slower than my walking would have been! lol.

Steve had passed me back at mile 8 and so I was pretty happy to see his smiling sweaty face at the finish line. Actually at mile 8, I tried to grab a cup of water at the water station and he smacked my butt to which I CHOKED on the water and took off running after him! lol

I fell about 10min behind my goal, but considering the condtions I was actually surprised with the time I got. I still placed 3rd in my age group out of 60 women, got a cute little ribbon, won a Peach pie and got to hang out with great friends along the way:)

Unfortunately, I didn't go to run an obstacle course.....I went to run a fast race and set a personal now I am trying to find a race in the next 1-2wks so I can run another half marathon with hopefully better conditions and preferrably on roads!;) I have not given up. One guy said I did really well ( to which I rolled my eyes-he didn't knwo this was a ridiculously slow time for me) but told me to think about it as another training that's what I'm doing. I guess that was my saturday long run for the week!....hopefully next week's race is better:)

and Steve, amazing! i can't believe he ran an average 8:19 mile through those conditions! he is a runner for sure and I'm excited to see what he can do with this sport:) I love him and I'm thankful he decided to run with me.

Me, I ran an average 8:37 mile:) a good time but considering my last half was a 8:21 you can see why I'm not doing jumping jacks:)

can't wait to get back out there and hit that 8:00mile pace for my next half:):) Like I say to Megan, "NEVER Quit!. We are NOT Quitters!":):)

Sunday, March 21, 2010

we have BUNK BEDS!!!

Last week, we finally bought bunk beds for the girls! the whole process was SO exciting for me. I had bunk beds growing up and shared a room with my sister Tracey until I was 14. I loved it! I miss it. There's nothing like sisterhood:)
Steve, being so handy, had no problem putthing them together...but he let Megan and Erika help him. I love that he lets them help and actually teaches them to do REAL stuff...they dont' just pretend to help, the really do! so here they are:

(look at those curls!)

This one was taken in the dark when they were actually asleep that night. SO cute!!!

Sugar and spice...


"Spice" lol...she got into my lipgloss. enough said.'s been a while....

Well, I am a TAD bit behind on my blogging. sigh..I just dont' make the time or have the time..whatever. regardless, I'm behind:)So...where should I start? well...after my trip to Connecticut I went to Canada:) I was able to visit with my mother in law, and my two sisters:)
Steve's mom gave us a car which has been the biggest blessing ever!! I am able to get out more and feel so FREE!!! thank you Sharon. I am forever indebted to you! I go.
Steve took us to the airport...the girls FIRST trip on an airplane. We were all very excited.I was a BIT nervous about how it would all go. Me with 2 kids, lots of luggage and no husband. The girls were great! they stayed in tow through the airport and listened well...thank you God!

Here we are at the airport!

waiting at our gate:)

Erika clapping! she was very excited!

This is megans "excited face" lol...just wait the next one is better!


Then we headed to my sister, Tina's house for a day. It was so nice to see her, Jaime and My niece and nephew jessica and joel. Love them!!

My sister Tina and Jessica above.
Tina and I below. She is my oldest sister:) We're 4.5yrs apart. I have made it a goal to get up and see her more often. Love you tina!

meet "Stash". Erika talks about him Often. VERY often. she loves cats and she LOVES Stash:)
Then it was off to my other Sisters house Tracey! she was 38wks pregnant and it was also Madison's 6th birthday party! so fun!!

Erika, Megan and Maddy. Funny that Erika and Maddy actually look quite a bit alike:)

Megan and Maddy. BEST friends! and cousins:) they are only 7mo's apart.

I woke up Erika from her nap to get outside for the birthday party! she just looked so cute with her messy hair and rosy cheeks:)

The Party. Discussing the details of the scavenger hunt:)
Then there's Erika and Noah...they are only 3mos apart. Noah is older. He is HILARIOUS! I hadn't seen him since he was 1 and seriously..this kid should be an actor. he has SO much energy, gusto and enthusiasm about EVERYTHING! when he's eating something he likes he says in a very LOUD excited voice " I LIKE IT!" have to hear it to know how funny it is!

we found them one night on the bed just playing...they are so cute! At first Erika called him Nona. but it only took a few minutes to get "NO-AH" down pat!

Erika and Noah tucking themselves in!

Being goofy!

well....I'm not sure why I can't find any pics of Trace and I but anyway....that's all for now. will post some more shortly:)

Monday, February 1, 2010

The first time.....

This is the first time I'm going to say talk about this publicly...and to tell you the truth I'm not even sure why. I think I will just feel better if I get it off my chest.
Depression runs in my family. I had never had to take anti-depressants until Erika. I had really bad post pardum after Megan but tried to do it on my own. That lead to 18mo's of ....well for lack of a better word, Hell. It was a very trying time for Steve and I. I promised myself if I went through it again after Erika I would take something for it...and I did. I got on Zoloft 2mo's after she was born and I'm so glad I did. I actually got to enjoy her as a baby. I could cope with the sleepless nights and the screaming. I felt like the most normal version of myself in years. When she was 14mo's old I weaned off of it. I did not want to be on that for the rest of my life. I did great for about 6mos but started to struggle again. There has been alot of social issues the last 18mos that I have never really dealt with before and that seems to trigger it for me as well as all the day to day struggles of just being a mom. I think I'm doing okay but then I wake up and I just can't fight it. I try...I go through the motions, but inside, I'm anxious, sad, feel like crying and impatient with my children. My running has helped A LOT to keep me in better spirits, but this morning was the first time I didn't get out of bed on schedule. I just couldn't fight it. I feel like poop!.

I'm taking some 5-HTP and GABA and Fish oil and most of the time it seems to do a pretty good job but then something happens and I just seem to plummet into that black hole. it sucks. yup....that's pretty much all there is to say about it. It just sucks. There's nothing anyone can say to me when I feel this way that makes it better...I just have to ride out the storm and try to find things that help. Usually the only solution is just reading my scriptures and praying for the feeling to go away, praying to not be so sensitive to others actions.

I think I finally decided to put this out there b/c I have a friend in Canada who is havig a hard time right now and I was talking to her and she said "all my friend are bubbly and always happy". In my heart I thought..."it only SEEMS that way".
I know that some people who don't know me very well might think that everything in my life is always hunky own family I think might think that alot.....but it's not the case. I am pretty good at whining and complaining lol, but rarely do I actually share with my friends or family how much I'm actually hurting inside. I don't say that for sympathy but more to help anyone who might be feeling out there like they're the only one who suffers from're not. and it's okay. doesn't mean there is anything wrong with's just a trial we have to deal with.
I try REALLY hard to keep mine under control, I exercise b/c that is supposed to help and I take supplements for depression.....but sometimes on some still slips away from me.

If anyone reading this has a history of depression and has anything they want to share, go for it!:)

I hope that tomorrow gets better and somehow I can make up for my run I missed this morning:)

Sunday, January 17, 2010

Christmas 2009 part 1

yes, I know I am REALLY behind's 4am and I just woke up. I laid on the couch ALL day and then put the girls to bed at 7 and went right to bed...just woke up and thought I should drink some apple juice. We've been cooped up for 3 days as we've all been sick and yesterday I felt SO crappy! I still feel crappy but am hoping I can sleep it off!
anyway..thought while I was up at an insane hour I might as well blog:)
This year we stayed home for Christmas. It was our first year with just the 4 of us and it was fabulous, we missed our families but it was so nice to just be together as well.
Our good friends, the cannons, stayed home too so we hung out alot with them.
on Christmas eve we went sledding on Mt. Hood which proved to be WAY too fun!!! we're hoping to make it a yearly tradition.
after that We made a gingerbread house from Scratch and then finished our evening by watching a video about the Savior's birth called "Joy to the World". It could not have been a better day.
Here are a few pictures:

erika feeding me snow. she must have sat for 20min eating snow, she loved it!

she was pretending to be Santa.