This is the first time I'm going to say talk about this publicly...and to tell you the truth I'm not even sure why. I think I will just feel better if I get it off my chest.
Depression runs in my family. I had never had to take anti-depressants until Erika. I had really bad post pardum after Megan but tried to do it on my own. That lead to 18mo's of ....well for lack of a better word, Hell. It was a very trying time for Steve and I. I promised myself if I went through it again after Erika I would take something for it...and I did. I got on Zoloft 2mo's after she was born and I'm so glad I did. I actually got to enjoy her as a baby. I could cope with the sleepless nights and the screaming. I felt like the most normal version of myself in years. When she was 14mo's old I weaned off of it. I did not want to be on that for the rest of my life. I did great for about 6mos but started to struggle again. There has been alot of social issues the last 18mos that I have never really dealt with before and that seems to trigger it for me as well as all the day to day struggles of just being a mom. I think I'm doing okay but then I wake up and I just can't fight it. I try...I go through the motions, but inside, I'm anxious, sad, feel like crying and impatient with my children. My running has helped A LOT to keep me in better spirits, but this morning was the first time I didn't get out of bed on schedule. I just couldn't fight it. I feel like poop!.
I'm taking some 5-HTP and GABA and Fish oil and most of the time it seems to do a pretty good job but then something happens and I just seem to plummet into that black hole. it sucks. yup....that's pretty much all there is to say about it. It just sucks. There's nothing anyone can say to me when I feel this way that makes it better...I just have to ride out the storm and try to find things that help. Usually the only solution is just reading my scriptures and praying for the feeling to go away, praying to not be so sensitive to others actions.
I think I finally decided to put this out there b/c I have a friend in Canada who is havig a hard time right now and I was talking to her and she said "all my friend are bubbly and always happy". In my heart I thought..."it only SEEMS that way".
I know that some people who don't know me very well might think that everything in my life is always hunky dorey....my own family I think might think that alot.....but it's not the case. I am pretty good at whining and complaining lol, but rarely do I actually share with my friends or family how much I'm actually hurting inside. I don't say that for sympathy but more to help anyone who might be feeling out there like they're the only one who suffers from depression...you're not. and it's okay. ....it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with us..it's just a trial we have to deal with.
I try REALLY hard to keep mine under control, I exercise b/c that is supposed to help and I take supplements for depression.....but sometimes on some days..it still slips away from me.
If anyone reading this has a history of depression and has anything they want to share, go for it!:)
I hope that tomorrow gets better and somehow I can make up for my run I missed this morning:)
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6 comments:
I think the best thing you can do is accept what it is that you are going through. Dave's mom is seriously depressed and she medicates herself with alcohol. Good for you for finding GOOD ways to help you feel better and more like yourself. If you are ever having a down day and just want to vent, you can call and cry on my shoulder any time. Love you Nicole!
I can SO relate to you Nicole depression runs in my family too and i was also on zoloft with both girls and all of my pregnancy with Mirelle. I also weined off my meds when Mirelle was 18months old so almost 12months ago and at the beginning it was tough. I then tried a few herbal meds for anxiety and depression and the one i am on now is great not as affective as anti depressants but so much better than being on nothing. I have bad days (yesterday being one of them) but i am finding the bad days a happening less and less. HUGS to you hun i am here ANYTIME you need to talk XXX
Thanks for sharing that. I know it's hard to talk about it. But you have the exact right attitude and you are dealing with it in a very very healthy way. Keep up the good work!
I remember a bishop once told me not to compare my "inside" with others people's "outsides". I used to feel the same way as your friend did that everyone else seemed so happy and perfect. I've learned that everyone has some trial or difficulty that they deal with, we just don't always know.
I think I once shared with you my coping mechanism for stress and anxiety. (not a solution at all!)And I still struggle with it daily especially with the stress of children. So thank you for sharing your HEALTHY ways to deal with those feelings. It gave me hope!
Nicole first of all I want to say that I think you are very very strong. We never seem to see it in ourselves because we live withourselves everyday but from people looking in from the outside you really are a strong woman. I do know that we all have our ups and downs and the things we struggle with but at the same time we each of your own strengthts! And that's the best part! I am sure you have heard this over and over again but God never gives us more than we can handle. I have to constantly remind myself of that too. We, especially as wives and mothers, are so strong and we are also allowed to have our weak moments. Your strength might be your running or your ability to do beautiful art through your makeup and that's what is what gets us through those rough days, not to mention the help of family and friends. I am sure just like me your good days far out do those bad days. You are a wonderful person and I think you are very strong for posting this and putting it out there. Thank you for sharing. Jenn
i hope it gets better soon too darlin :) i know that the things we say might not help, but i'm always here to vent to or to watch your darling girlies or to go for milkshakes or whatever! love ya and i think you're doing a great job of muddling through this crazy hard trial, and you will be stronger for it!
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