Wednesday, May 19, 2010

You can do better than you think!

I know....I am a blogging machine lately. I just figured I should write down my thoughts more often. not sure if anyone reads them but there is something therapeutic about writing.

Today I got up and it was SO hard to motivate myself. I haven't run since my 5K race on Saturday...I've just been lazy and'd think doing so well and being so happy with my results would get me up and excited to push further and do better....but no.

Anyway...I FINALLY got out today. It was BEAUTIFUL! strong wind...but not cold, it was amazing.

I only ran 4 miles but ran each mile progressively faster. While I was running I was thinking to myself

"why could I run so fast on Saturday?" faster than I've EVER run and when I'm out here doing this, I tell myself

"it hurts too much, I can't go any faster, I can’t go any further"

but it's all lies. do you ever think about that? why do we lie to ourselves? Why do we tell ourselves “I can’t” before we even try?

When I was running saturday I came to a hill and at the top of the hill I stopped for a second b/c I was so out of breath, Tanja started yelling at me and so I got moving again…but in hindsight I think man, I could have been closer to 21:00 had I not stopped. but I sabotaged myself by telling myself I couldn’t go any further unless I stopped for a sec. Again, it was just a lie. I could have! I would not have died.

My guess is that most of us have never pushed ourselves hard enough to even see what our best is. Personally, I’m sort of afraid to push myself that hard. It makes me feel vulnerable.

Tanja, my friend who ran with me to push me through the race, emailed me this morning and said In reference to my time on Saturday:

" You did really great! Do you know what that means? It means you can do better than you think!”

It just really got me thinking. I have to push myself harder and dig deeper if I want to achieve the goals I have set for myself! I can’t settle for doing “good”, I need to do and be MY BEST! My very very very BEST! I am stronger than I think and I need to stop limiting myself because I don’t feel like I deserve to be the best or the fastest.

Running has been an exploration of self for me. It’s helping me to see what I’m made of, not just physically but MENTALLY!.

I am on a journey! I am going to get under 20minutes for a 5K.

hold me to it:)

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

May 18, 2010

today was a MUCH better day. I woke up with the resolve to have a better day than yesterday. Yesterday I was depressed and just blah all day! luckily I have Steve home now so he entertained Erika and Megan went to Jennas to play. I sat around on my butt:):) but by the end of the day I started to read my scriptures and that always helps me!!

Today I actually did my circuit training, found 2 swimsuits for cheap at old navy($10each!!) and visited with friends.
I am a lucky girl. Life is good. thing that sucked though...My car has a flat tire! not sure what happened over night but it is FLAT and won't even hold more than 8psi:(:( so that's a bummer...don't really want to fork out $100 for a new stinkin' tire right now! I wanted to take the girls to the safari thing in BAndon...but with Steve not working right now I have to monitor our finances a lot better so we'll see about that. Might have to put it off for a while:(

thank goodness the Lord continues to bless us!!
I love Him. every day I recognize his hand in my life, his great mercy for this little Wagner family.
well, that's all for today...need to clean my house and still get up early to run tomorrow!

nighty night!

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Sunday May 16th

I started writing in my journal again last week after my Young Womens lesson I gave on...Journalling nonetheless. I usually write sporatically....every month or so...or when something great or terrible happens and I feel I need to document it. But today I was thinking I should blog more. more about important stuff and not just lame-o things like I sometimes do.

Lately, I've got to thinking alot. Alot about the kind of person I want to be, the kind of friend I want to be, Wife, mother, all that.

I have been making a concerted effort to stay off the computer more and just "hang out" with my kids more. Most people dont' know that about me but that is REALLY hard for me! I am a go-go-go type of person....and it's really challenging for me to just sit and play. I always feel like I need to be emailing a bride back, folding laundry, cleaning the kitchen, calling a friend...I guess I have that disease..whatever it's called..keep yourself busy even if it's not productive or important.
I've NEVER been the girl who needs her "alone time" ....well except for once ina while away from the kids but even then I like to have a friend with me. I'm not the one who loves to be alone. I always have been a bit co-dependant. I'm mostly over the real dysfunctional part of that and now I just like having company more than anything.

Anyway, I realize that I want my girls to remember their mom growing up as the one who wasn't always "too busy". I want to be there when they need me and it's been nice.

This morning Erika woke me up at 6:22am....not really my idea of a "good morning"..when i walked her back to her room, she was very whiny and I was afraid she would wake I just jumped into bed with her...not something I would normally do, but it was nice. I love that she has twin bed now and I can fit comfortably in there with her. She nuzzled her warm little face upto mine and for that moment, though exhausted, I was in heaven.
I woke up an hour later to Megan lying on top of me and Erika lying beside me. we said our morning prayers, had a bath and got ready for church.

There is always such a peace in the mornings...if you don't chase it away. Steve stayed in bed b/c he has a cold and the girls and I went to church alone..but they were so very well behaved. I felt grateful.

Erika is talking alot the last few days and I see her growing up before my eyes. Maybe I'm just too emotional but it makes me sad. I dont' want her to grow up. I already feel sad thinking about the fact that we can never go back in time and hold them as little babies again....part of me sometimes secretly tells myself that in heaven, Heavenly Father will let us hold our babies again one more time just because. Who's to say I'm wrong? ya never know right? it gives me comfort to think of the possibility.
Erika is also VERY clingy lately. I can't tell you how many times a day she says "mama, I want you".....something Megan also says alot. lol...she can be sitting right in my lap and she will still repeat it over and over. I remember as a child, I was the same. i could never seem to get enough of my mom. I wanted to be with her ALL THE TIME. I pretty much begged to sleep with her every night til I was 12yrs old. I guess my girls got that from me. I could have bigger problems than kids who love me too much:) but I feel bad b/c I remember that nothing seemed to fill that longing I had and I hope they don't feel that way too.

Anyway...I'm having a sort of sad empty feeling tonight...not sure why...probably b/c I didn't do the 2 things I told myself I was going to do tonight..procrastinator. ugh.
There's always tomorrow..not that that is a good excuse AT ALL..but still. for now it will have to do.

OH...and I ran my first 5K was amazing. maybe I'll blog about that later this week.
for now, I have some scriptures to read before bed.
over and out kids.


Thursday, May 13, 2010

which dress? Steve and I won an anniversary shoot...which I'm SO super excited about. we never had a photographer at our wedding and so we really don't have too many great pics of us:( it has been a sad spot for me for I chopped 14" off my hair right before I got engaged so I have short hair in my wedding pics:( I've never had an up-do even:(....SO...this is my chance to get nice beautiful formal pics of Steve and I.

We plan to do the shoot downtown in June. I'm thinking I want something very fun, high fashion..big messy up-do etc.'s very hard to find a dress with cap sleeves but these are the ones I found in my size from

I will put them in order of my favorite and if you could indicate by number which one you think is best (and why) I would really appreciate your opinion...I am having such a hard time picking!!!
p.s Steve will be in a suit (or at least shirt and tie, dress pants).

here we go: and try to imagine ME in the dress lol...some of these models have very diff coloring than me. I did try one on recently just like the last one and it was actually very cute on.
thanks for your help!!!

#1-Maggie london

#2 -Suzi Chin B/W


#4-Suzi Chin White

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

The Birthday Boy!

I am so usual.
I had to post today though because today is my sweet husband Birthday:)
34 yrs ago today, Stephen Craig Wagner was born....and boy am I glad!
This last year has been fabulous...but especially the last 6 months.....
I can honestly say that He is the perfect man for me. I am so grateful for his mother who raised him to be such an incredible dynamic person and I'm so grateful he joined the church so I could meet him and marry his cute face!

A few of MY favorite things about this wonderful man:

1. His brain. I really am attracted to it:) He is wonderfully smart in so many departments.
I can say without hestiation that there is nothing he can't do. For 7yrs he has amazed me over and over. he can fix anything, build anything, solve any name it, he can probably do it.

2. His abilities as a father. Is it strange that as a mother I have learned more about smart parenting from HIM than any other person or the numerous books I've read? He is a parenting genious. He always gently corrects me when I seem to be letting things slide. He is a master teacher with our children. I try to remember the things I see him say and do so I can apply them...I'm not very good at it but hopefully someday I will come by it as naturally as he does.

3. His kindness. Yes my husband can be a little blunt and a little insensitive sometimes..he is a man afterall. But he also has a wonderfully sensitive side. He never fails to compliment me,tell me I look cute, tell me all the things he admires about me, thank me for everything I do for him and the girls. He makes me feel so good about what and who I'm trying to become. He is also good about giving me constructive criticism and tell me when he thinks I'm not living up to my potential as a mother or friend. As much as I hate hearing it at the time, he really has helped me become better.

4. His beautiful eyes. enough said. I just have ALWAYS loved looking into this eyes. they twinkle. especially when he's happy they twinkle and sometimes when he looks at me, I can just see the love and it is my favorite look in the whole world. Those moments are my favorite.

5. His sense of humour. For those of you who know myhusband, he is funny. he's always good for a laugh and I love that he makes my mom and dad laugh so much. overall, he's just FUN!

6. last but not least, I could go on and on..... but I LOVE that he has started running with me:) he's really good and I love it! he just ran his first half marathon with me in April....when he smacked my butt while running past me at mile 8, I couldn't help but smile...rather than feel mad he was about to kick my butt, I felt proud. I knew he'd be a great runner if he just got started.
So that's it for now.

Stephen Craig Wagner, I love you. I thank God often that I found you and that you have loved me these last 7 plus years. I meant it tonight when I said, You are the most amazing man I've ever known. I still can't believe you're mine.

Love you forever;) xo