Sunday May 16th

I started writing in my journal again last week after my Young Womens lesson I gave on...Journalling nonetheless. I usually write sporatically....every month or so...or when something great or terrible happens and I feel I need to document it. But today I was thinking I should blog more. more about important stuff and not just lame-o things like I sometimes do.

Lately, I've got to thinking alot. Alot about the kind of person I want to be, the kind of friend I want to be, Wife, mother, all that.

I have been making a concerted effort to stay off the computer more and just "hang out" with my kids more. Most people dont' know that about me but that is REALLY hard for me! I am a go-go-go type of person....and it's really challenging for me to just sit and play. I always feel like I need to be emailing a bride back, folding laundry, cleaning the kitchen, calling a friend...I guess I have that disease..whatever it's called..keep yourself busy even if it's not productive or important.
I've NEVER been the girl who needs her "alone time" ....well except for once ina while away from the kids but even then I like to have a friend with me. I'm not the one who loves to be alone. I always have been a bit co-dependant. I'm mostly over the real dysfunctional part of that and now I just like having company more than anything.

Anyway, I realize that I want my girls to remember their mom growing up as the one who wasn't always "too busy". I want to be there when they need me and it's been nice.

This morning Erika woke me up at 6:22am....not really my idea of a "good morning"..when i walked her back to her room, she was very whiny and I was afraid she would wake megan...so I just jumped into bed with her...not something I would normally do, but it was nice. I love that she has twin bed now and I can fit comfortably in there with her. She nuzzled her warm little face upto mine and for that moment, though exhausted, I was in heaven.
I woke up an hour later to Megan lying on top of me and Erika lying beside me. we said our morning prayers, had a bath and got ready for church.

There is always such a peace in the mornings...if you don't chase it away. Steve stayed in bed b/c he has a cold and the girls and I went to church alone..but they were so very well behaved. I felt grateful.

Erika is talking alot the last few days and I see her growing up before my eyes. Maybe I'm just too emotional but it makes me sad. I dont' want her to grow up. I already feel sad thinking about the fact that we can never go back in time and hold them as little babies again....part of me sometimes secretly tells myself that in heaven, Heavenly Father will let us hold our babies again one more time just because. Who's to say I'm wrong? ya never know right? it gives me comfort to think of the possibility.
Erika is also VERY clingy lately. I can't tell you how many times a day she says "mama, I want you".....something Megan also says alot. lol...she can be sitting right in my lap and she will still repeat it over and over. I remember as a child, I was the same. i could never seem to get enough of my mom. I wanted to be with her ALL THE TIME. I pretty much begged to sleep with her every night til I was 12yrs old. I guess my girls got that from me. I could have bigger problems than kids who love me too much:) but I feel bad b/c I remember that nothing seemed to fill that longing I had and I hope they don't feel that way too.

Anyway...I'm having a sort of sad empty feeling tonight...not sure why...probably b/c I didn't do the 2 things I told myself I was going to do tonight..procrastinator. ugh.
There's always tomorrow..not that that is a good excuse AT ALL..but still. for now it will have to do.

OH...and I ran my first 5K yesterday..it was amazing. maybe I'll blog about that later this week.
for now, I have some scriptures to read before bed.
over and out kids.

N.