I guess I've gotten to the point of desperation. AT bedtime it was another meltdown. the only way we got her to stop screaming was to scream back at her:( so sad. but honestly all the talking, persuading, tucking in just doesn't work.
SO, I pulled out that book I bought a few months ago. "Raising your spirited child". I actually broke down crying while reading it b/c it is like reading about MYSELF.
and yes, I took the test and i'm still a spirited adult. sigh. NOT that that is a bad thing....but it's hard...as a child there are about 5 statements I heard DAILY from my family that really affected me and still stick with me:
"Shhhhhhh!!"
"You're So loud!"
"SIT STILL!"
"You're just TOO sensitive Nicole"
"Calm down!"
Now that I'm older, we laugh about it. My sister now has a daughter that is JUST like the way I was and sometimes she calls her Nicole instead of Madison when she's being loud or crazy. I've been there and I just laugh and say "Thanks Trace!".haha..we have agood laugh but I realize that all those statements sort of produced a complex in me. AS I read this book I realize that I need to help Erika take these STRONG traits and reactions and use them for good. She is a wonderful, amazing child and I know she will get what she wants out of this life.
It is just so very humbling trying to learn how to work with her, meet her needs without being walked all over and to add to it, she has a mother JUST LIKE HER!. When she gets worked up, I get worked up and then we are BOTH worked up (lol) and it's just a MESS.
The book says I need to learn to control my OWN strong reactions before I can help her control hers. ....sigh. GREAT! one more thing to add to my list of things to do;). I do feel more optimistic after reading half this book tonight though. I will try to read more tomorrow.
Right now, the big thing is how crazy she's been lately at bedtime.....I realize she really needs a LONG time to wind down (unlike Megan who is asleep in 5min most nights)....I am going to try to spend some time with her in the dark soothing her at bedtime. we do the whole bedtime routine: books, teeth, prayer, songs...but I think she needs more. I wanted this to be enough but the obvious answer has been stareing me in the face for a while and I just didnt' want to aknowledge it.
She Needs MORE.
she is not Megan, she doesn't fall asleep easily, she doesn't wind down easily....she needs more from me at bedtime and I need to help her learn how to wind down. After all, I AM her mother, if I don't help her, who will?
Okay, this has been long-winded...I don't blog often and these feelings are VERY personal to me and i'm quite sensitive about them, but thanks for listening.
It's funny....I have had this fairly big revelation that I need to take most of next year off from work and tonight it hit me why.....this year Erika is going to need me more than Ever. The Lord knows what he's doing. I'm so thankful for Him. I know He will help me become the mother that both my VERY DIFFERENT children need.
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7 comments:
Just wanted to send you a HUGE and although i haven't meet you in person i think you are a wonderful person and mother XXX
Nicole,
You have described my Jayna. She was such a handful. but the best piece of advice I can give you is to relax. (I know easier said than done)Jayna is now 7 and is a delight. she is kind sensitive and a joy to be around. as Erika grows and matures she will find ways to control her emotions and frustrations. The very best thing you can do is continue to love her and accept her and learn what types of things set her off (ie lack of sleep) You are a wonderful mother and she is so lucky to have a mama that is as involved and committed as you are. I promise one day you will look back on these exhausting years and grin...
oh and Ive never known a grown woman who still poops in her panties;)
keep your chin up Nicole.... I think you ROCK
Nicole - I just wanted to let you know that your love for your girls shines through your posts, so you must be doing something right :)
I know Erika has gone through phases of bedtime struggles and I'm sure you will get her out of this phase, like you have all the other times :)
I hope you and your family have a wonderful Christmas and new year.
I think just by reading this post you have learned a LOT from that book. I think it is really key to be able control your own emotions not only to set an example, but you don't feel so terrible either. I have a really HARD time controlling myself a lot of the time, but I feel so much better when I do. You can do this Nicole. I have absolute faith in you!
You are so right about learning to control your own emotions first before you can help your child learn to control theirs. As a teacher I think about that a lot. It is my reaction, mood, temperament and emotions that really affect my classroom. Another fabulous thing you said was that you have to teach Erika to wind down. I know that I often thing/say "Why don't these kids know how to do this?" Then I stop and think, "Duh, because no one has taught them!" We have to teach children everything! Most of them need to be taught how to do everything and sometimes we have to teach them MANY times before they get it. Thanks for your post. It makes me stop and think about being a good teacher!
So glad you had your own revelation and shared it. Seriously, it's good to know that other people feel the same way I do at times. It's so hard!! Another really, really good book (that is if you are looking for one) is "Raising and Emotionally Intelligent Child" by John Gottman. It has similar ideas as your book, well at least from what you said. Anyway, I call it my second bible, cause I LOVE it and I NEED it. Good luck, you can do this!!
We have discovered that Boston is a spirited child...wish me luck :)
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