we have BUNK BEDS!!!

Last week, we finally bought bunk beds for the girls! the whole process was SO exciting for me. I had bunk beds growing up and shared a room with my sister Tracey until I was 14. I loved it! I miss it. There's nothing like sisterhood:)
Steve, being so handy, had no problem putthing them together...but he let Megan and Erika help him. I love that he lets them help and actually teaches them to do REAL stuff...they dont' just pretend to help, the really do! so here they are:

(look at those curls!)

This one was taken in the dark when they were actually asleep that night. SO cute!!!

Sugar and spice...

"Sugar".....

"Spice" lol...she got into my lipgloss. enough said.

WOW...it's been a while....

Well, I am a TAD bit behind on my blogging. sigh..I just dont' make the time or have the time..whatever. regardless, I'm behind:)So...where should I start? well...after my trip to Connecticut I went to Canada:) I was able to visit with my mother in law, and my two sisters:)
Steve's mom gave us a car which has been the biggest blessing ever!! I am able to get out more and feel so FREE!!! thank you Sharon. I am forever indebted to you!

so...here I go.
Steve took us to the airport...the girls FIRST trip on an airplane. We were all very excited.I was a BIT nervous about how it would all go. Me with 2 kids, lots of luggage and no husband. The girls were great! they stayed in tow through the airport and listened well...thank you God!

Here we are at the airport!

waiting at our gate:)

Erika clapping! she was very excited!

This is megans "excited face" lol...just wait the next one is better!

LOL!

Then we headed to my sister, Tina's house for a day. It was so nice to see her, Jaime and My niece and nephew jessica and joel. Love them!!

My sister Tina and Jessica above.

Tina and I below. She is my oldest sister:) We're 4.5yrs apart. I have made it a goal to get up and see her more often. Love you tina!

meet "Stash". Erika talks about him Often. VERY often. she loves cats and she LOVES Stash:)

Then it was off to my other Sisters house Tracey! she was 38wks pregnant and it was also Madison's 6th birthday party! so fun!!

Erika, Megan and Maddy. Funny that Erika and Maddy actually look quite a bit alike:)

Megan and Maddy. BEST friends! and cousins:) they are only 7mo's apart.

I woke up Erika from her nap to get outside for the birthday party! she just looked so cute with her messy hair and rosy cheeks:)

The Party. Discussing the details of the scavenger hunt:)

Then there's Erika and Noah...they are only 3mos apart. Noah is older. He is HILARIOUS! I hadn't seen him since he was 1 and seriously..this kid should be an actor. he has SO much energy, gusto and enthusiasm about EVERYTHING! when he's eating something he likes he says in a very LOUD excited voice " I LIKE IT!" lol...you have to hear it to know how funny it is!

we found them one night on the bed just playing...they are so cute! At first Erika called him Nona. but it only took a few minutes to get "NO-AH" down pat!

Erika and Noah tucking themselves in!

Being goofy!

well....I'm not sure why I can't find any pics of Trace and I but anyway....that's all for now. will post some more shortly:)

The first time.....

This is the first time I'm going to say talk about this publicly...and to tell you the truth I'm not even sure why. I think I will just feel better if I get it off my chest.
Depression runs in my family. I had never had to take anti-depressants until Erika. I had really bad post pardum after Megan but tried to do it on my own. That lead to 18mo's of ....well for lack of a better word, Hell. It was a very trying time for Steve and I. I promised myself if I went through it again after Erika I would take something for it...and I did. I got on Zoloft 2mo's after she was born and I'm so glad I did. I actually got to enjoy her as a baby. I could cope with the sleepless nights and the screaming. I felt like the most normal version of myself in years. When she was 14mo's old I weaned off of it. I did not want to be on that for the rest of my life. I did great for about 6mos but started to struggle again. There has been alot of social issues the last 18mos that I have never really dealt with before and that seems to trigger it for me as well as all the day to day struggles of just being a mom. I think I'm doing okay but then I wake up and I just can't fight it. I try...I go through the motions, but inside, I'm anxious, sad, feel like crying and impatient with my children. My running has helped A LOT to keep me in better spirits, but this morning was the first time I didn't get out of bed on schedule. I just couldn't fight it. I feel like poop!.

I'm taking some 5-HTP and GABA and Fish oil and most of the time it seems to do a pretty good job but then something happens and I just seem to plummet into that black hole. it sucks. yup....that's pretty much all there is to say about it. It just sucks. There's nothing anyone can say to me when I feel this way that makes it better...I just have to ride out the storm and try to find things that help. Usually the only solution is just reading my scriptures and praying for the feeling to go away, praying to not be so sensitive to others actions.

I think I finally decided to put this out there b/c I have a friend in Canada who is havig a hard time right now and I was talking to her and she said "all my friend are bubbly and always happy". In my heart I thought..."it only SEEMS that way".
I know that some people who don't know me very well might think that everything in my life is always hunky dorey....my own family I think might think that alot.....but it's not the case. I am pretty good at whining and complaining lol, but rarely do I actually share with my friends or family how much I'm actually hurting inside. I don't say that for sympathy but more to help anyone who might be feeling out there like they're the only one who suffers from depression...you're not. and it's okay. ....it doesn't mean there is anything wrong with us..it's just a trial we have to deal with.
I try REALLY hard to keep mine under control, I exercise b/c that is supposed to help and I take supplements for depression.....but sometimes on some days..it still slips away from me.

If anyone reading this has a history of depression and has anything they want to share, go for it!:)

I hope that tomorrow gets better and somehow I can make up for my run I missed this morning:)

Christmas 2009 part 1

yes, I know I am REALLY behind .....it's 4am and I just woke up. I laid on the couch ALL day and then put the girls to bed at 7 and went right to bed...just woke up and thought I should drink some apple juice. We've been cooped up for 3 days as we've all been sick and yesterday I felt SO crappy! I still feel crappy but am hoping I can sleep it off!
anyway..thought while I was up at an insane hour I might as well blog:)
This year we stayed home for Christmas. It was our first year with just the 4 of us and it was fabulous, we missed our families but it was so nice to just be together as well.
Our good friends, the cannons, stayed home too so we hung out alot with them.
on Christmas eve we went sledding on Mt. Hood which proved to be WAY too fun!!! we're hoping to make it a yearly tradition.
after that We made a gingerbread house from Scratch and then finished our evening by watching a video about the Savior's birth called "Joy to the World". It could not have been a better day.
Here are a few pictures:

erika feeding me snow. she must have sat for 20min eating snow, she loved it!

she was pretending to be Santa.

my 2yr old part 2.

I guess I've gotten to the point of desperation. AT bedtime it was another meltdown. the only way we got her to stop screaming was to scream back at her:( so sad. but honestly all the talking, persuading, tucking in just doesn't work.

SO, I pulled out that book I bought a few months ago. "Raising your spirited child". I actually broke down crying while reading it b/c it is like reading about MYSELF.
and yes, I took the test and i'm still a spirited adult. sigh. NOT that that is a bad thing....but it's hard...as a child there are about 5 statements I heard DAILY from my family that really affected me and still stick with me:

"Shhhhhhh!!"
"You're So loud!"
"SIT STILL!"
"You're just TOO sensitive Nicole"
"Calm down!"

Now that I'm older, we laugh about it. My sister now has a daughter that is JUST like the way I was and sometimes she calls her Nicole instead of Madison when she's being loud or crazy. I've been there and I just laugh and say "Thanks Trace!".haha..we have agood laugh but I realize that all those statements sort of produced a complex in me. AS I read this book I realize that I need to help Erika take these STRONG traits and reactions and use them for good. She is a wonderful, amazing child and I know she will get what she wants out of this life.

It is just so very humbling trying to learn how to work with her, meet her needs without being walked all over and to add to it, she has a mother JUST LIKE HER!. When she gets worked up, I get worked up and then we are BOTH worked up (lol) and it's just a MESS.

The book says I need to learn to control my OWN strong reactions before I can help her control hers. ....sigh. GREAT! one more thing to add to my list of things to do;). I do feel more optimistic after reading half this book tonight though. I will try to read more tomorrow.

Right now, the big thing is how crazy she's been lately at bedtime.....I realize she really needs a LONG time to wind down (unlike Megan who is asleep in 5min most nights)....I am going to try to spend some time with her in the dark soothing her at bedtime. we do the whole bedtime routine: books, teeth, prayer, songs...but I think she needs more. I wanted this to be enough but the obvious answer has been stareing me in the face for a while and I just didnt' want to aknowledge it.
She Needs MORE.
she is not Megan, she doesn't fall asleep easily, she doesn't wind down easily....she needs more from me at bedtime and I need to help her learn how to wind down. After all, I AM her mother, if I don't help her, who will?

Okay, this has been long-winded...I don't blog often and these feelings are VERY personal to me and i'm quite sensitive about them, but thanks for listening.

It's funny....I have had this fairly big revelation that I need to take most of next year off from work and tonight it hit me why.....this year Erika is going to need me more than Ever. The Lord knows what he's doing. I'm so thankful for Him. I know He will help me become the mother that both my VERY DIFFERENT children need.

Our 2yr old is taking over the house..H.E.L.P

I know at first glance of this title, most of you are laughing, or nodding and sighing thinking "oh yes....the terrible two's"...hee hee, ha ha, ..but NO. SERIOUSLY...this is beyond my parenting capabilities...on our way home tonight from dinner at a friends house... I said to Steve "What is wrong with us? ...why don't we have the patience that our friends have with their kids?".....

first off, let me say, Megan never had terrible 2's, or 3's....she did all of her freaking out the first 6mo's and has been easy peasy ever since.

Erika....oh gosh...

Okay...so I need advice. she is wearing me thin. I've figured out one part is that when she doesn't get enough sleep she's definitely worse. so when she doesn't have a nap that is atleast 2.5hrs long she gets over tired and the nightmare begins (like the last 2 days). EVERTHING is a tantrum or a struggle. she screams for every frustration she has and no matter how much I try to remain calm and help her, give her words etc etc..you name it we 've tried it..she still freaks out...at the teensy tinyest things.

if she' s putting on her socks and they're crooked she starts screaming..but if I try to help her she screams even more an then rips them off and runs away. This is only ONE example...it seems like EVERYTHING is like this lately. she hits megan ALL THE TIME, she pushes, she screams, she yells, she stomps,....ugh...it is exhausting just thinking about it.

she'salso taken to pooping in her panties and so I wash her off in a cold bath (don't want to do a warm bath b/c she loves baths and that would be too rewarding)..it seemed to work after about 4 x b/c she didn't do it for about a week but tonight she pooped in her panties again. I knew she had to poop and I warned her that she need to go on the potty but she did it anyway.

at bedtime, we told her there was no bottle b/c she wasn't behaving nicely today...that lead to a 45min melt down which eventually lead to steve and I BOTH having our own meltdowns.

she's taking over our home!!!!!!!!!!! what do we do????????????

I know the Lord expects me to be more patient... but I'm telling you I've TRIED...NOTHING gets through to this girl, she is the most stubborn, strong willed, "I will hold out to the death" type of child i've ever met.

i'm really HOPING someone has something inspiring to share with me b/c i'm at the end of my rope.

The most discouraging part for me is that I ask myself "what if this isn't the terrible two's? what if she's like this she's 18?". I wish I knew for sure this would pass.

thanks for listening....I wish I could put in more detail but hopefully this gives you a general idea.