Monday, February 1, 2010

The first time.....

This is the first time I'm going to say talk about this publicly...and to tell you the truth I'm not even sure why. I think I will just feel better if I get it off my chest.
Depression runs in my family. I had never had to take anti-depressants until Erika. I had really bad post pardum after Megan but tried to do it on my own. That lead to 18mo's of ....well for lack of a better word, Hell. It was a very trying time for Steve and I. I promised myself if I went through it again after Erika I would take something for it...and I did. I got on Zoloft 2mo's after she was born and I'm so glad I did. I actually got to enjoy her as a baby. I could cope with the sleepless nights and the screaming. I felt like the most normal version of myself in years. When she was 14mo's old I weaned off of it. I did not want to be on that for the rest of my life. I did great for about 6mos but started to struggle again. There has been alot of social issues the last 18mos that I have never really dealt with before and that seems to trigger it for me as well as all the day to day struggles of just being a mom. I think I'm doing okay but then I wake up and I just can't fight it. I try...I go through the motions, but inside, I'm anxious, sad, feel like crying and impatient with my children. My running has helped A LOT to keep me in better spirits, but this morning was the first time I didn't get out of bed on schedule. I just couldn't fight it. I feel like poop!.

I'm taking some 5-HTP and GABA and Fish oil and most of the time it seems to do a pretty good job but then something happens and I just seem to plummet into that black hole. it sucks. yup....that's pretty much all there is to say about it. It just sucks. There's nothing anyone can say to me when I feel this way that makes it better...I just have to ride out the storm and try to find things that help. Usually the only solution is just reading my scriptures and praying for the feeling to go away, praying to not be so sensitive to others actions.

I think I finally decided to put this out there b/c I have a friend in Canada who is havig a hard time right now and I was talking to her and she said "all my friend are bubbly and always happy". In my heart I thought..."it only SEEMS that way".
I know that some people who don't know me very well might think that everything in my life is always hunky own family I think might think that alot.....but it's not the case. I am pretty good at whining and complaining lol, but rarely do I actually share with my friends or family how much I'm actually hurting inside. I don't say that for sympathy but more to help anyone who might be feeling out there like they're the only one who suffers from're not. and it's okay. doesn't mean there is anything wrong with's just a trial we have to deal with.
I try REALLY hard to keep mine under control, I exercise b/c that is supposed to help and I take supplements for depression.....but sometimes on some still slips away from me.

If anyone reading this has a history of depression and has anything they want to share, go for it!:)

I hope that tomorrow gets better and somehow I can make up for my run I missed this morning:)